Nelson Mandela 'Concert'

It's Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday soon and deservedly the British put on a gig tonight to celebrate the life of the former South African present and symbol for world peace and justice. Looking understandbly frail given the 18 years hard labour he served in a lime quarry whilst doing bird at Robben Island prison from 1972 for fighting the oppressive apartheid that strangled South Africa, it was with intrigue to me when the gig was announced as to who would be playing.

The usual 'do-good' element of Bono and Annie fucking Lennox were banded about by the media as well as a host of other top bands that could have led to something that would have dragged me away from Hollyoaks for the night and down to Hyde Park.

So for all Nelson's effort in fighting for democracy, overcoming the most formidable of all African regimes and almost dying for his just cause to going on to becoming an icon for global justice; what does he get for his birthday gig? Geri Halliwell, Simple 'we haven't had a hit since the 1980s' Minds, a Queen tribute band, a lung-fucked heroin hag, Johnny 'if it'll raise my profile i'll do it' Borrell' and yes, Annie 'fucking' Lennox. Poor old Nelson, he surely deserved better. When Halliwell turned up, a part of him must have wished he was back in Robben Island humping those limerocks about rather than having to suffer Old Spice. In fact he'd probably rather be indoors watching Max Cunningham's untimely demise on Hollyoaks with me over a glass of Kia Ora cordial and some Stagg Chilli before settling in for the soaps. Some may argue that all of the best acts are playing Glastonbury this weekend, robbing Nelson of a decent line-up. I doubt that very much. Looking at this year's 'forward thinking' line-up it's no surprise they couldn't shift the tickets for that either.

Kein Cashback. Danke

Customer Service - The German Way

When I watch football involving the German national side, the pundits always point to their efficiency and robotic-like workmanship that enables them to get the job done systematically. That is actually bullshit, because the German side isn't efficient at all, more a mix between skill and luck. Anyway, that's not the point. You've probably got to this point in my post and wondered who this chap in the picture is? Well, for your information, this is Roger; a proper example of German efficiency. Roger works at the Future Store near Dusseldorf as a customer services assistant and moves up and down aisles assisting shoppers with their needs. This is what I'm talking about. Imagine the advantages of having these Rogers replacing everybody that holds a customer services position in a retail outlet? Sure, there'd be mass unemployment the already stretched government couldn't cope with, but for people like me who escaped the shackles of retail years ago, this could be brilliant.

Whereas British shop assistants are about as easy to find as a Morrissey sex scandal, Roger can meet your shopping needs with ease and won't be gathered round three other members of staff talking inane bullshit whilst they know you are trying to get their attention. Give him an instruction or ask him if something is in stock, he can tell you straight off the bat, unlike those 'here to help' over here who tell you "If it ain't on the shelf mate, we ain't got it," or go and get the manager when you ask something they would consider 'outside of the box', like "how many songs does this iPod hold?" I know this happens because I saw several colleagues do this at a number of retail outlets I worked at do it and you know you've been treated the same, especially in London, where most shop workers really couldn't give an iota of a fuck. It's so bad in London, it's laughable.

As well as Roger parading up and down the aisle like a blue-arsed fly, the Germans have proven that you don't need cashiers either. "Do you collect Nectar/Clubcard points, vouchers for schools?" Did I ask? No. Let me pay. Let me leave. I know we have those self-serve tills in supermarkets, but they are about as handy square tyres.. "Please place item in baggage area, sorry, wait for approval, invalid item in bagging area," you know the story. In Germany you can download software that turns your phone into a personal shopping accessory that scans each item via the camera on your phone, which you simply scan again on a 'pay-station' on exiting the store. Happy days. However, I doubt the British would ever be able to implement such a system as people would just rob the shit out of the stores... still you can only dream.